


The Sherbet Lemon Situation

by motherbearof3



Series: Bites From the Apple [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aprils Fools crack fic, F/M, House Elves, Married Dramione, Peacocks, S.P.E.W., Sherbet Lemon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:35:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23478586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherbearof3/pseuds/motherbearof3
Summary: Hermione is awakened by the screaming of peacocks and what she and Draco discover is wilder than they could ever imagine.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Series: Bites From the Apple [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1042418
Comments: 11
Kudos: 53





	The Sherbet Lemon Situation

**Author's Note:**

> Another prompt from the Strictly Dramione FB group. This one was in honor of April Fool's Day and the challenge was to write something silly and it had to include three of these four prompts: sherbet lemon, house elf, Mrs. Norris and wand. I actually had a crack fic thought that involved Mrs. Norris but couldn't work it into this one. Maybe another time. Also, I'm rubbish at titles. My apologies.

It was the screams of the peacocks that woke Hermione. At first she thought Scorpius was having a nightmare but then remembered he was spending the weekend at Harry and Ginny’s. Then she realized it was the birds. The bloody birds Draco insisted on keeping when they moved into the Manor after Lucius was released from Azkaban by Minister Longbottom on account of severely declining health and Narcissa moved with him to their estate in the French countryside. 

Their bedroom was dark; she couldn’t see the hands on the clock. Holding out her hand she _Accio’d_ for her wand to shed some light on the subject but nothing came. Where the fuck was her wand? The peacocks were still screaming, so she elbowed Draco.

“Wake up. Those bloody birds of yours are going to wake all of Wiltshire. Don’t you hear them?”

He mumbled a response that sounded like mating.

“Mating schmating. I don’t care if they’re getting the best shag of their feathered lives, it’s -- well, I don’t know what time it is. I can’t see the clock,” Hermione replied sharply.

“Pu’ some lumos on,” Draco told her, sounding slightly more awake as the cries of the birds penetrated his consciousness.

“I tried. I don’t know where my wand is.”

“Fuck’s sake, Granger.”

Draco sat up in bed and Hermione was momentarily distracted by her husband’s naked muscular chest, her eyes now adjusted to the darkness. Until the screaming of the birds reminded her why she was awake. He too, held out his hand.

“ _Accio_ wand.”

And like her, nothing happened. 

“What the hell?”

“I don’t know. Did we leave them downstairs somewhere?”

Hermione tried to recall the last thing they did before coming to bed. They’d had dinner then a short walk around the grounds in the warm spring evening. Then they — she giggled.

“Maybe we left them in the library.”

The couple, having a rare evening without Scorpius, had indulged in a spontaneous bit of rowdy sex outside the bedroom. Hermione couldn’t even find her knickers afterward. Draco nodded and reached over to turn on the low light on his bedside table.

“Half three!” Hermione exclaimed, finally able to see the clock on the wall. “You need to find your wand, Malfoy, and cast a _muffliato_ on the gardens until morning. Well into the morning. I wanted a lie in since Scorpius won’t be back until tea.”

She flopped back down in bed and folded the pillow around her head. It only partially muted the screams of the peacocks. But without her wand it was the best she could do. It also blocked out the light that Draco left on when he left the bedroom. She was contemplating rolling over to turn it off when she heard him call, no, bellow her name. Leaping from bed, Hermione snatched up her husband’s discarded satin pyjama top, pulling it on as she ran down the hallway and leant over the rail that overlooked the main hall.

“Draco! What’s wrong?”

“Hermione, you need to come here. Now!”

Wondering what on earth could have put such an urgent tone in his voice, she dashed down the stairs, the smooth marble cold under her bare feet.

“Where are you?”

“Library.”

Of course. He’d gone there to look for their wands. He was standing in front of the antique oak desk on which they'd shagged earlier in the evening. 

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

Draco moved so she could see. The first thing she noticed was the overturned crystal candy dish that had been filled with sherbet lemons. Then she saw them, the empty candy hulls, neatly cut into halves. Beside them were rows of yellow powder, a razor blade and a straw. She could see also, where there had been rows of powder and now only residue remained. Hermione took a step closer and nearly tripped over a pile of -- she did a double take.

“Are those --”

“The house elves’ clothes? Yes.”

Draco waved his hand at the desk.

“Does this look like what I think? Were they snorting the sherbet lemon powder like cocaine?”

Through the wonders of muggle cinema and telly Draco had learned all about drug use and smuggling. He was particularly fond of the Locked Up Abroad shows. 

“It looks that way,” Hermione agreed. “Why?”

“Haven’t you heard about house elves and sugar, oh Brightest Witch of Our Age? That they can get high off of it and it’s highly addictive to them? Didn’t you learn that in SPEW?”

“Honestly, Draco, for the umpteenth time it’s not SPEW!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. 

Then she caught the twinkle in his eye and narrowed hers, crossing her arms across her chest. Smartarse.

“And no, I didn’t learn about that. It wasn’t in any of the books I read about house elves. That’s a thing, really?”

“It’s a thing. But normally they can resist. We’ve never had sherbet lemon in the house before. Why were they in that bowl?”

“Scorpius found them in the new candy shop in Diagon Alley the other day. He asked if we could buy some. I didn’t know.”

Hermione ran a hand through her curls, making them even wilder than they’d been from sleep. 

“Those poor elves! I feel so bad! But I wonder where they are? I hope they’re still in the house since they took off their clothes.”

She shuddered a little at the thought of seeing a naked house elf. Then Hermione remembered why he’d come to the library to begin with.

“Did you find our wands?”

“Yes.”

Draco extended his hand with both their wands in his palm. They were covered in sticky yellow powder. 

“They were stuck to the desk. I don’t want to know what they were doing with them.”

Hermione took hers and cast a scourgify over his. Draco did the same in return.

“Now let’s go shut up those peacocks and go back to bed,” she said. 

As they made their way through the manor to the garden entrance in the sun room, Draco assured her it wasn’t her fault the elves succumbed to the lure of the candy.

“If you didn’t know, you didn’t know.”

“I’m locking up every bit of candy,” she vowed, her voice trailing off as they reached the glass doors. 

The gardens beyond were as bright as a Quidditch pitch during a night game and in the center space where Narcissa’s prized narcissus had just started to push through the soil was a sight the pair knew could never be unseen: naked house elves, riding screaming white peacocks engaged in a bizarre version of polo using croquet mallets.


End file.
